June 3rd, 2025, 1420 hours
parts of my psyche have been reintegrating into each other in a neutral manner, and re-coalescing and converging and separating and shifting and reorganizing in a turbulent motion. "my" "system," if we are to use this language for now, is undergoing a tectonic shift. in the midst of this I've been gaining newfound emotional and perceptual capabilities I previously withheld from myself, but likewise, there are things lost in the transition. I've been talking with older friends and realizing that I've been actively losing memories -- and not an insignificant amount of them. as sequestered parts of my psyche, which, until thus far, had been kept separate and distinct, begin to form a synthesis of emergent personhood... things which seemed to be ancillarily tied to their distinction are also lost. experiences and emotions profoundly tied to their unique perceptions of pain and sorrow and joy and love are then made incoherent and illegible and incompatible with the new system -- a language that the person who walks away in their shoes is unable to speak or even understand is being spoken...
it's a joyous occasion, undoubtedly, on some level. I've been gaining access to kinds of emotions and experiences which have been lost to me for years. but we're also losing something in turn. i suppose this is the price of change.
April 26th, 1100 hours
Today I launched my Neocities website! I'm excited about it. I think it looks pretty good for someone with essentially zero coding experience, including frontend. I'm mostly writing this jentry to fill out space on this page so it looks a bit better tbh lmao. I don't really know how to write journal entries that well? I've never been a "diary taker" kind of girl. I'll do my best to try structure this into more longform commentary in the long run, but for now I think it's just going to be kind of rambley. Idk, maybe that's more in the spirit of this like, less-polished internet anyways? I can just kind of talk I guess. I'm pretty good at that lol.
For this project, I had to learn a LOT of skills I didn't have before... I'd say I know a decent bit about working my way around a computer, but I didn't know some basic things like "how to set up a github repo properly." I did end up blazing thru boot.dev's python and linux basic courses (which, I'm obviously not being sponsored lol but you should give that curriculum a try if you've been interested in learning backend and have ADHD like I do -- it's gameified in a way I think is fun. Speaking of which, I gotta do my dailies! lmao.) and those were pretty satisfying! I also worked through the most of the Odin Project's frontend introduction... enough to be dangerous, I'd say! lol.
On another note, I think that my fiancée (!!!) was absolutely correct and that being on tumblr was really bad for me and encouraged a lot of bad, self-destructive behaviors for me. I'm going to try have a more measured relationship to my internet presence from now on (famous last words!) I hope that this neocities website and making other websites and webapps as my way of interacting with the internet will be productive towards that end goal.
Ok, I'd say that's probably good enough for a starting journal entry. Let's go with that. Ciao!
Oh! Also I'm considering trying to pick back up learning mandarin. We'll see how that goes!